MOTHERS THROUGH FOSTER CARE.

Mother's Day used to be a day that I dreaded when I was in foster care. It wasn't just the fact that I didn't have a mother figure in my life to celebrate about... it was also because most of the time, I alone in my group home's visitor halls while the other kids got to see their aunts, grandmas, moms, and even caseworkers who came to visit and told them how much they loved them. I was always left behind. Whenever that happened, I just stayed within  my empty room and tried to sleep to help make the hours go by as fast as possible. "Maybe this holiday will end when I wake up", but I have learned that throughout my days in foster care, the essence of Mother's Day always lingered for a child who grew up with no mother. I couldn't ignore it. It was painful to see within my own paperwork that my mother's name slot would always be empty. It was hurtful to know that I was disposable into the abyss of someone else's life. 
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As I got older and became a mother myself, I got to reflect a lot about my decisions to be the best mother I can be, and who I can turn to when I feel consumed by my own mistakes. It took me 17 years to be able to call the following strong women below my mothers. Without having given birth to me, they met me where I was at in life and loved me like thier own. They accepted all of my overcomings and showed me how to be a strong woman. Each of their roles within  has allowed me to make peace with my abandonments, my loneliness, and my purpose.  In honor of Mother's Day and Foster Care Awareness Month, I want to share with you all my Mothers Through Foster Care. Special thanks to the foster care community within Facebook support groups for delivering the following interview questions. 
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Esther Sherrard, I lived with Esther for a year. She was my mentor in my state's Independent Living Program. I was 18 years old. 
I would say that Esther's role in my life has no titles, and often times we all hear about the parental roles and titles in every story's life, I actually feel that there are many people out there who resonate with Esther's role, the strong adult who has no title because she fits all titles (mentor, sister, aunt, mother, counselor). Esther Sherrard Consulting is currently working with The Children's Bureau to develop continuous change and reform in our nation's child welfare system. 

Question from Katrina, nsoro Scholar in Atlanta 

1. Who were their greatest positive influences growing up?
 I'd have to say the Bible, rather than people, had (and still has) the greatest influence on my life.  I believe the Bible is God's Word and reveals to me who Jesus is. Reading the Bible shapes who I am, what I love, and how I make decisions. I'm grateful that my parents exposed me to God's Word as a child and that I was able to grow up with that primary influence in my life.  

2. Do you have a favorite female author or philanthropist? 
Elisabeth Elliot - her writing was shaped by her life and has been encouraging and challenging to me http://www.elisabethelliot.org/

More foster care awareness questions... 

3. Was it hard to foster a teenager? 
No, and Yes, in that order :) I've always loved working with teenagers so I genuinely enjoy being around young people and that made fostering teens not so hard. But there were definitely challenges. I'd say the hardest part is not having the advantage of knowing the young person for a longer period of time prior to placement. Because of that, you haven't been able to build a lot of trusts and that's so important in working with teens. Teens are also at a place developmentally where they want to make decisions independently and may not always be receptive to guidance, which can be challenging since their decisions will impact the rest of their lives and as a caregiver, I want to protect them and help guide them toward the best outcome. So you have to patiently learn how to build trust and have a relationship where they respect you enough that they want to hear your guidance and receive your counsel. 

4. What was your biggest goal as a foster parent?  
I wanted to provide a home and a relationship where steadfast love and healing were experienced. 

5. What was your biggest obstacle as a foster parent? 
Without my faith in Jesus Christ, I would not have been able to be a foster parent. That's what helped me overcome any of the obstacles that came up. It is definitely challenging to work within a broader child welfare system that is in many ways broken. Not being able to rely on caseworkers and other providers to always do the right thing or make adequate efforts were definitely hard. We need more trauma-informed, compassionate, and skilled social workers and therapists. Our school systems and medical providers also need to understand the unique needs of youth in foster care so that services can be adequately tailored for them. So you need to be prepared to advocate tirelessly for the needs of the youth you care for.

6. Does age matter when choosing to foster? 
If not, what matters the most in your opinion? Unfortunately, we don't have the luxury of recruiting foster and adoptive parents who are only willing to take in the age groups of kids they prefer or feel "most comfortable" with. The reality is that many states struggle to find homes for older youth, sibling groups, and children with special needs. So that means we need to foster parents who are willing to be focused on meeting the needs that exist rather than just focusing on their own needs/preferences.  We definitely want foster parents to consider their limitations so that they don't take in children they can't adequately care for, but there is a difference between being unable to do something and preferring not to do something. I would love it if we had more foster families saying "we've never raised a teenager, but with some training and support we are willing to meet that need." Aside from being flexible on age, ultimately the most important thing is that prospective foster parents have to be willing to be committed and stick it out, even when it's tough. If you don't have that capacity, then foster parenting probably isn't for you. These kids need stability, so I would advise people not to enter unless you are prepared for 100% commitment.  

7. What advice do you have for foster parents to help maintain relationships with youth who have left their homes? 
I think it's critical to form a familial relationship with youth that you care for - whether you take the role of an aunt or uncle, or older sibling, (or even mom/dad if that's the youth's preference), it's most natural to relate to youth as part of your family. It can feel awkward to try and define relationships outside of this context. There are wonderful mentoring relationships that can also become permanent connections but in some way, it's important to convey clearly to youth that you expect to be in their life for good. Some youth may actually reject that idea, out of fear or for other reasons, but it's still helpful for youth to know that on your end, your expectation is that you are now a permanent part of their life. That keeps the door open for them to come back to a relationship with you, even if they choose to step away for periods of time. For youth who haven't experienced healthy long-term relationships in a family context, it may take some time to adjust to the concept and that's ok. Keep checking in - texting, calling, emailing, visiting, letting them know you are thinking about them, care for them, and have an open door. Treat them like you would a member of your own family. Foster parenting is an opportunity to grow a child or youth's sense of family, so I would encourage you to be all in, forever. 

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Monika Gilliard
My brave, bold, and fearless mother-in-law. She is someone that shocked me when I met her. Who would have thought that I would marry right into the compassion of a warrior from foster care? My mother-in-law entered Germany's foster care system at 12 years old and survived with limited resources at 17 years old. In her words perfectly put, "I got a state representative, until 18 he got me my first apartment. I met Dwayne and the rest is history."  My mother-in-law currently residents in Kentucky with my father-in-law, Dwayne Gilliard. 

Questions from Katrina, nsoro Scholar in Atlanta 

1. Who were their greatest positive influences growing up?
Hello Katrina, first I have to say that I had no favorite grown-ups for influence, I was too upset and always mad about grownups. 
2. Do you have a favorite female author or philanthropist?
I used to always read mystery books. Not necessarily having a favorite author. I like reading period. 

A few other foster care awareness questions... 

3. What’s your advice with coping through childhood trauma while raising a child of your own? 
At first, I used to be very strict with my son, I was young and did not know how to raise a kid, but he had so much love for me that no matter what I did to him he always said he loved me .that is what changed the relationship I realized that he doesn't have to grow up like I did and when I got depressed I had a good long cry and forced myself to get over it. 

4. How did you bond with your daughter in law knowing she was also from foster care? 
My daughter in law was a breath of fresh air, when I found out that she was in foster care, we talked about everything all the time every day. And it made a big difference in my life.

5. What motivated you to break the cycle of abuse? 
My husband, he stood by my side no matter what. 

6. What advice would you give to a new foster family? 
Treat them the same way that you want to be treated. 
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Rosemary Wright, I lived with my parents first before meeting Esther. Through my parent's support, I was able to graduate high school and transition into Virginia's Independent Living Program  
This is my mother, Mrs. Rosemary Wright. It took me 17 years to find her and I am so grateful for her. My mother was the woman who remained steadfast in my life no matter my shortcomings and mistakes. She was always loving and forgiving. My mother always has room for others at the table. My mom is currently retired from The Pentagon. Both my parents always have their doors open for any youth from foster care that may need their company during the holidays. 

Question from Katrina, nsoro​ Scholar in Atlanta 

1. Who were their greatest positive influences growing up?
My greatest positive influences growing up were also my negative influences.  Most of the stories I was told growing up from my mother contained horrific stories of poverty and abandonment.   As one of 10 children, I had a vague idea of want and being always a little on the hungry side.  To hear stories of women (my grandmother “Nana”) who were left alone and without money while being responsible for a child instilled in me a fear of hunger and poverty.  My mother would state that her husband “my Dad” had money because they always had milk in the icebox “refrigerator.”  My mother would also say that when she was an adult she was always going to make sure there were milk and bread in her home.

2. Do you have a favorite female author or philanthropist? 
I loved Jane Goodall then and still do.  Hers was the kind of life that I dreamt about – wilderness, animals, nature, Africa.  One of my most prized possessions is an autograph of Jane in her book.  The day I met her following a lecture in Washington, DC, I waited in a very long line to acquire the signature.  I had teared up throughout the lecture and as I finally stood in front of her, I sobbed.  She looked at me and appeared a little perplexed.  All I could say is that I had always known her name and that she was wonderful.  I was awestruck.  She is an activist still doing incredibly important work – taking care of others, some of our close relatives. 

3. What motto did you raise Whitney on, and is this the same motto you were raised on?
Children – all ages deserve respect and love.  Too many adults believe and behave like they are the only ones to be respected.  Not so.  I was not raised with an overabundance of respect.  But I always knew I should have been.  

Other foster care awareness questions... 

4. Why should someone foster teenagers? 
They should only foster teenagers if they have an abundance of time, energy, patience, love, financial stability, and a strong empathetic and forgiving nature.  I understand why money may at times be a part of this conversation, but it should remain the most minor of reasons to foster.  The focus of the money should be to help the child, not as a personal paycheck.  Teenagers are smart and they are able to detect someone’s motive.

5. How did you work through your daughter’s communication with her biological mother? 
Patience.  Everyone involved in a child’s life should respect all of the relationships, blood relatives, and truly anyone important in the child’s life.  Biological mothers also deserve respect and patience.  There are some people who may want to be a good parent, yet are not ready to assume all of the responsibilities.  It takes more than just a desire to be a good parent.  However, not all parents are ready to be responsible for a human being, especially one that is solely dependent on them for everything.

6. What would you change about foster care? 
I would hold biological parents more responsible for the conduct of a disorderly child.  In many ways, foster care is like a local fire department.  When there is trouble everyone must know where to turn for help.  I am not saying that there aren’t problems with Foster Care.  But, everyone, adults, and children, at times may need an organization to step in.  I may be able to put out a pan fire, but a house fire calls for professionals to be called in to help. 
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Happy Mother’s Day to all of the foster moms, step mom, bio moms, mother figures, mommy-to-be, grandmoms, surrogate moms, and all the men who filing in the shoes of mothers as well.